Update from the ER

Hello hello hello!

Sorry it's been so long! My last post apparently didn't go up (Baby Back Ribs -- I just posted it). We've had such a wonderful few weeks that I just wanted to cuddle with my baby, make cookies, paint the office, and relax. Jeff and I have been apartment hunting but I don't know if we'll move anytime soon. I've felt so content, I don't want to change anything.

Maisie has been doing SO WELL! She's been eating, not puking, no seizures (did I talk about seizures? I'll get there), no fevers, nothing. It's been simply wonderful.

And then, about two week ago, she started walking funny. Normally she walks just a little weird, hardly noticeable unless you watch her for a while and really pay attention. Her left leg is misaligned ever so slightly. It's a problem we're working on in physical therapy, and slowly, slowly, s l o w l y it's been improving. But this was something new. It was almost like her right leg kept collapsing underneath her. I called her GP and she thought Maisie might have just strained a muscle and to call her back if it didn't go away in a week or so. It didn't, and then something else. Jeff's mom came to visit from Maine and when I brought Maisie to meet her she asked if she was blind. I was totally taken aback. As far as we knew her vision was virtually unaffected. But Martha pointed out that her eyes were not "tracking" or following people and things as well as they should. I called the GP again and this time made an appointment for a few days later but two hours or so ago she collapsed when I set her on the ground after taking her out of the crib (she still sleeps in a crib for safety -- I'll explain about that later). It actually took a few tries for her to stand up. And then she collapsed again on the kitchen floor. She wasn't fainting, but simply falling straight down. Her legs weren't supporting her. It was really scary. Of course, this is the week we don't have PT because the therapist is away with her sick ma.

I was home alone. My daughter was wailing and could not seem to stand up. I decided to take her to the ER. So here we are. Right now they're running diagnostics and performing tests on her muscles and eyes, trying to figure out what's going on. If it is a muscular failure, which is the working theory, her muscular organs could be in danger, and, in turn, her life.

It's funny. I'm not afraid. In the past I have sat in this very chair in the ER waiting room and panicked about my little daughter. But I feel weirdly calm. I am under control. I know that I am doing the very best thing for my Maisie, and I know that she is being taken care of. I have no false sense of security -- I know that she may not be okay. But I have enjoyed her fully and loved her to the bottom of my heart and so if this is it, though it would break my heart, I know that I loved her as much as I could. And she knows that.