Here I Am, Lord

Maisie has always loved music. As an infant we played music all the time, in the NICU and pediatrics, in the incubator and the "big girl" crib. Whenever the doctors or nurses had to do something painful, like insert an IV or a PICC line, when she had to go in for surgery, whenever something stressful was about to go down, we put on her favorite hymns. On Eagle's Wings, The King of Glory, Open My Eyes, One Bread One Body, Though the Mountains May Fall, and many others. They calmed her down like nothing else could.

Hymns were also how we taught Maisie about the Lord when she couldn't go to church. As a baby, the hour-long mass was too much for her. Only since she was two have we been able to attend church on a regular basis. We still go as much as possible, even though Maisie often falls asleep halfway through the sermon.

Anyway, in the past few days Maisie's seizure activity has increased again. She often goes through periods where her seizure medicine randomly stops working and she has episodes of bad myoclonic seizures, where a group of muscles, usually her hand or foot, starts shaking violently. It passes after anywhere from thirty seconds to four minutes, but this has been different, closer to a clonic, full-body seizure. She has yet to lose consciousness, but we're pretty worried. We've got an EEG scheduled for Wednesday, and until then I'm supposed to film her every time she seizes.

Well, yesterday she had a pretty bad episode. Her whole body jerked and shook for almost ten minutes. I was sure she was going to lose consciousness, I was sure this was the beginning of another step down. And then, something amazing happened. The radio, which was tuned in to a Christian station, suddenly blared "Here I Am, Lord."

Here I am, Lord

Is it I, Lord?

I have heard You calling in the night.

I will go, Lord, if You lead me

I will hold Your people in my heart

Her body calmed, became truly still, for the first time in days. She stopped crying, her eyes cleared, and she stretched her arms up to the sky. I know, in that moment, the Lord touched my baby and gave her rest, and she welcomed him into her heart. It was as though she spoke to the Lord.

"What is my place?"

"Why am I here, Lord?"

"What plan do you have for me?"

I will go, Lord, if You lead me

I will hold your people in my heart

Maisie has had a hard life, but yesterday, for the first time, I realized that there is a reason. God has a plan for my tortured baby, He has a plan that is greater than brain damage and seizures and feeding tubes and pain, a plan for her, to use her to spread His word. No mother could ask anything more of the Lord than for Him to choose her child to exhalt Him.